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Look at him, walking around grabbing his you-know-what
Flipping the you-know-who. “Yeah, but he’s so cute though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse than what’s going on in your parents’ bedrooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can’t
But it’s cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
“My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips”
And if I’m lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
Sometimes late at night when I’m down on myself and I need to make myself feel better, I take out one of my favorite books, The American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), and look up the various whackball psychological conditions I don’t have. Here are some of my favorites:
Capgras syndrome, named after a French psychiatrist who described the illusion of doubles, is a delusion of misidentification. It is characterized by a person’s delusional belief that an acquaintance, usually a spouse or other close family member, has been replaced by an identical looking impostor or several doubles.
I knew that wasn’t the real Mark Harmon this year on NCIS. His imposter double is actually trying to act and show emotion.
Fregoli syndrome, named after the Italian actor Leopoldo Fregoli who was renowned for his ability to make quick changes of appearance during his stage act, is the inverse of Capgras syndrome. It is also a delusion of misidentification and is characterized by a person’s delusional belief that persecutors or familiar people can assume the guise of strangers, in that different people are in fact a single person who changes his or her appearance or who appears in disguise.
This really should be called Fugazi Syndrome and describes people like Kevin Spacey, who really want to be the next Bobby Darin.
Cotard delusion syndrome is a specific nihilistic delusion named after Jules Cotard, a French neurologist, who first described the condition, which he called “le délire de négation” (negation delirium), in 1880. The affected person holds the delusional belief that he or she is already dead, does not exist, is putrefying or has lost his or her blood or internal organs.
Now this is a real condition or else there’s no other explanation for Abe Vigoda.
Alien hand syndrome is the misattribution and belief that one’s hand does not belong to oneself, but that it has its own life. The afflicted person has normal sensation in the hand and leg, but believes that the hand, while still being a part of their body, is acting autonomously, having ‘a will of its own.’ In effect, afflicted people lost the ‘sense of agency’ associated with the purposeful movement of the limb while retaining a sense of ‘ownership’ of the limb.
This should be changed to Bob Filner Syndrome. He wasn’t doing all that groping of females, it was his alien hand.
Stendhal syndrome is characterized by physical and emotional anxiety up to the level of a panic attack, dissociative experiences, confusion, and even hallucinations when an individual is exposed to art. The syndrome is usually triggered by art that is perceived as particularly beautiful or when the individual is exposed to large quantities of art that are concentrated in a single place. The term can also be applied to a similar reaction to an overwhelming experience, for example when confronted with immense beauty in the natural world.
I didn’t know that Stendhal ever met Lady Gaga.
The latest version of the DSM, the DSM V, is controversial for many reasons, particularly in consolidating various widely recognized somewhat similar individual conditions, like Asperger’s Syndrome, and lumping them together into a catchall category, Autism Spectrum Disorder. This means that a person on the Autism Spectrum who is very cognitively disabled is now classified with Bill Gates, whose view of how computers should perform is very cognitively disabled.
The change I have the biggest problem with is taking passive-aggressive disorder and making it part of Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Oh, come on APA. Everybody knows someone who is or was passive-aggressive in their lives, like their former spouses.
This is the DSM 3’s definition of passive aggressive personality disorder.
A pervasive pattern of passive resistance to demands for adequate social and occupational performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by at least five of the following:
1. procrastinates, i.e., puts off things that need to be done so that deadlines are not met;
2. becomes sulky, irritable, or argumentative when asked to do something he or she does not want to do;
3. seems to work deliberately slowly or to do a bad job on tasks that he or she really does not want to do;
4. protests, without justification, that others make unreasonable demands on him or her;
5. avoids obligations by claiming to have “forgotten”;
6. believes that he or she is doing a much better job than others think he or she is doing;
7. resents useful suggestions from others concerning how he or she could be more productive;
8. obstructs the efforts of others by failing to do his or her share of the work;
9. unreasonably criticizes or scorns people in positions of authority.
Source: American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition, Revised. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 1987. pp. 357-358.
Remember all of these definitions are subjective. The above could also be described as Teenager Disorder.
The five versions of the DSM also leave out a condition called Political Aggressive-Passive Behavior Disorder (PAP BED), which is defined as the psychosis of disregarding those less fortunate or in need and punishing them through indirect behaviors for your own supposed political gain. The lesser version of PAP BED is Republican Governor’s Syndrome or RGS, for short.
Now there are common observed behaviors associated with RGS. They include:
1. Making welfare recipients pass drug tests.
2. Changing voting laws and locations to make it more difficult for the poor, minorities or women to vote.
3 Cutting taxes on the wealthy and increasing taxes on the middle class and the poor.
4. Dismantling women’s reproductive rights and facilities in a futile attempt to stop women from having sex or abortions.
5. Allowing and facilitating the polluting of water supplies through fracking and dumping of coal ash.
6. Attempting to stop gay couples from marrying or recognizing their marriages in other states.
7. Rewarding top campaign contributors and political allies with high-paying, little-work positions.
8. Reducing aid to public schools and cutting salaries and pensions of teachers and administrators.
9. Refusing federal government assistance to provide health insurance to those who do not have it.
10 Responding in a bellicose and threatening manner if questioned about the wisdom or legality of these behaviors.
11. Blaming others when bad events happen because of their political misjudgment.
Now there are many Republican governors who exhibit this political sociopathic behavior: Scott, Walker, McCrory, Jindal, Kasich, Snyder, Brownback, Pence, Haley, LePage and Perry to name the most extreme sociopaths. But there is one more to this list of governors. His condition is so extreme, it is the aforementioned Political Aggressive – Passive Behavior Disorder (PAP BED) personified. What behavior separates this person from the others is the extreme degree of psychotic acting out of political grudges and making the unsuspecting public pay through odd indirect punishments.
That’s correct, it’s Fat Boy his own self, Chris Christie, the Big Swinging Dick of Political Aggressive-Passive Behavior Disorder. (a/k/a BSD PAP BED), or else he would be just another really big dick. In addition to doing all of those common RGS behaviors listed above, Christie closed the George Washington Bridge to punish a mayor who wouldn’t endorse Christie’s upcoming certain re-election. He withheld federal aid to those who lost their homes as a result of Hurricane Sandy as political payback to that town’s mayor. He placed his political cronies in high paying no-show positions at the formerly apolitical Port Authority to provide a base for his and his political backers land schemes. Even if he didn’t directly order these things, and it is obvious on the last one that he did, he hired the staff and thus created the working environment where these actions were fostered and accepted. Christie expects us to believe that Bridget Ann Kelly and David Wildstein were totally responsible for the closing of the lanes sleight-of-hand? How BSD PAP BED of him.
The whole lame story, about how great a state attorney he was prosecuting corrupt politicians in New Jersey, is the legal equivalent of shooting minnows in a fish hatchery with a bazooka. Yet, he didn’t have the legal prowess to prosecute his corrupt gubernatorial predecessor’s investment firm’s scams? Yes, his office struck a deal with a major corporation to overlook wrong-doing in exchange for funding a professor’s chair at his former law school. That’s a cute trick to placate his 1% backers, which include the very PAP BED Koch Brothers, while appearing to be aggressively protecting the common weal. Christie wasn’t a great state attorney, just a sneakily corrupt one, one very good at self-promotion of no substance.
The pinnacle of his political aggressive-passive behavior, thus far, was the two-hour televised monologue in which he accepted full responsibility for the George Washington Bridge lane closings by blaming his chief aides/friends. He was a self-alleged former top state prosecutor, and he expects us to believe that he fired these aides without questioning them about what they did, why they did it, and what else they may have done? That is such a big politically aggressively-passive behavior tale to be beyond any psychiatric or political credulity.
The parallels in Christie’s behavior and style of the last extreme aggressive-passive politician, Richard Milhous Nixon, are scarily obvious. Christie’s not a crook, too. Uh-huh. Though we don’t yet know all the details, there has to be more scandalous behaviors to be unearthed from his unfortunate 4+ years in office.
When Christie was reelected by a landslide, I wrote that this was the worst thing that could have happened to him because it would start drawing national attention to his actions in office. He was a lousy governor in his first term, because of the lack of any real beneficial results to the people of his state, but who would have guessed that he was that lousy and corrupt?
Fat Boy was a media creation all along. He managed to fool most of the people most of the time. That tough-guy image is just a cover for how politically aggressive -passive he really is, as is his wide girth. Thank goodness Christie is never going to be president because his administration would have put Nixon, and his henchmen, Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Casey and Mitchell, to shame as political corruption pikers.
But Chris Christie isn’t real, he isn’t slim, but he sure is shady. It’s only a matter of time before the scope of his corruption schemes will be found out and made public. So, in the meantime, be a man, will the real Chris Christie please stand up? Overcome your PAP BED and, for once, please stand up!